Cat Simulator Review – I’m a kitty-cat and I crush, crush, crush
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Smash a fine Chinese porcelain service in the kitchen? No sweat, man. Break a $700 TV-set in the living room? Yes, sir. Start a flood in the bathroom and clog the toilet? I can do it in my sleep. For I’m a kitty-cat – a cute fluffy rascal with a gift for troublemaking. Pray for your souls.
The game claims to be the most beautiful cat simulator in the observable part of the Universe. However, it’s a bit untrue. I can say that the visual designer tried to give us their best on the models and textures, but I believe my eyes more than a boastful marketing-oriented introduction text.
Kitty-cat models – who serve as your numerous avatars – look like stuffed feline carcasses brought back to life with the use of necromancy. Probably involvement of the unholy forces could be the only explanation why, all of a sudden, a beloved pet would go nuts and start wrecking things around.
However, the appearance of a kitty-cat perfectly coincides with crude and undercooked looks of the environment where that beast pulls its devilish pranks. We have here:
- Adorably cuboid oranges.
- Air balloons made of cement.
- Anthropomorphic NPCs looking like crash dummies.
- Car tires so light that a kitten can move them.
- Heavily pixelated basketballs.
And other instances of a sloppy job including clumsy jump animations that make the poor kitty-cat get frozen in the air helplessly from time to time.
I admit: this level of visual quality is acceptable for this title – it’d be foolish to expect from a mobile game something similar to Far Cry Primal of course – but it doesn’t deserve the title of the “most gorgeous” cat-simulator that ever existed. By any means.
The core of the Cat Simulator
“Three little kittens, with milk all gone,
rubbed their eyes and started to… CRUSH”
Guess what kitty-cats enjoy doing the most once they get sick and tired of sun-bathing/milk licking/spine stretching? That’s right – devastating the household of their loving and caring owners.
Your mischievous adventures will include:
- Smashing ceramic gnomes in the garden.
- Sabotaging kitchen utensils.
- Putting lawn-mowers out of commission.
- Ruining birthday parties.
- Scattering food across the floor (meanwhile children starve in Africa).
All of these criminal activities must be done in a limited period of time which can be extended by collecting special alarm clocks. It’s quite intriguing to see the human NPCs giving no reaction to fluffy rascal’s riot whatsoever. My theory is that they are:
- Somehow subdued to the kitten’s demonic will and remain in a state of deep hypnosis.
- Committing an elaborate insurance fraud, allowing the psychotic animal do the mayhem.
Anyhow things become even more interesting when you go to the multiplayer mode. You’ll be competing with a horde of anarchic kitty-cats including Scottish folds, Persian cats, tiger cubs, black panthers and many others. The kitty-cat who wrecks more stuff than the others will claim the victory.
The scores you gain can be spent on unlocking new felines (such as a lynx) or buying cute clothes for the ones you already have. Doubtlessly things can be sped up for a humble fee (up to $76).
A virtual joystick and only two buttons jump/hit. You won’t get confused.
Cat Simulator is a decent time-killer and nothing more (at least so far). So if you ever wanted to walk in a puss’s boots, this might be your chance!